athlete? (to compete... or not to compete)

So as it turns out... I CAN compete. And, as a result, my coach is on my ass. Here's the lowdown:

My coach said he was going to look into rules etc. because he didn't see why I couldn't compete. And this week he came to me and said he had contacted HIS boss, AND looked through various manuals and didn't see any reason I couldn't race with the team. I also contacted the Smith coach who said according to NCAA rules I could compete my senior year at Smith without it being a problem that I raced for Gallaudet... if I so chose. So I was left needing to make a decision: to compete or not to compete?

After pondering this question for awhile I came to this conclusion: I had joined without intending to compete... and was going to leave it that way. It left me without pressure, and with weekends free. Also, I have been practicing without a competition mentality. In other words, I've been practicing hard but not kicking my ass. So I emailed my coach to basically say "thanks but no thanks;" but of course couldn't DIRECTLY say that, so instead I said I was going to need some convincing if he wanted me to compete. I had basically concluded that I would not compete.

My coach, however, disagreed with this conclusion. He emailed me back and said we could discuss the matter but there were two meets in particular he thought I could help the team win. As it turns out... those two meets are Saturday and Sunday of the weekend before Thanksgiving... crunch time. After another email from me, my coach sent me a fair but guilt-ridden email. See below:

"What do we get out of this besides your smiling face? This is the only weekend we need you. All the others you can bail. I don't think that is too much to ask given how much we've invested in you. Gallaudet Swimming needs you that weekend. One weekend out of a semester. Skip a few practices to compensate. Seriously."

My first reaction was that that wasn't fair at all considering when we STARTED the semester he seemed fine with me training and not competing. I suppose however that since it turns out I CAN give back to the team, it is a fair thing to ask of me.

So whats the deal? Why am I so resistant to this? Seems like a great opportunity right? Well, as most of you are probably very aware, I am (or at least can be) a disgustingly competative person. Knowing that I will be competing at the end of the semester would/will (?) change my attitude. I will have to push harder in order to feel good about competing. And it is very possible that no matter how hard I push I will not be satisfied with the results. Good for me? Bad for me? I'm not sure. And lastly... I've never thought of myself as an athlete. Athletic, yes, but not an athlete. I've been training every day for a month and still don't necessarily feel any different than before (in better shape, yes, but that's about it). I've been thinking of myself as the woman with enough motivation to practice with a competative team... but still not QUITE one of the team. So the question is: to what extent does one's activities shape their identity? And to what extent does ones mentality shape their identity? And... will I be a different person if I am "an athlete"? And... can I POSSIBLY be that different? Well... I have no answers but would love yours. The conclusion? I haven't emailed him back... but I think I'm going to do it. Hopefully I can convince him that I don't have to practice Tuesday and Thursday mornings at 6:00am. But I seem to have very little bargaining power.